


the loss is cut

by Kaslyna



Category: Snowpiercer (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief, Introspection, post-episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-19 02:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29743458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaslyna/pseuds/Kaslyna
Summary: Set after season two episode five.Bennett thinks that Melanie might be dead, and has a moment.
Relationships: Melanie Cavill/Bennett Knox
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	the loss is cut

**Author's Note:**

> Hi yes that episode made me wanna write some angst from Bennett's POV. I only used what we know from that episode/what Bennett is aware of for this, so yes he's mourning a little here. Doesn't mean she's actually dead in this story, or that I personally think she is. Consider it more of a missing scene from the episode than speculation about the next episode or the episodes after. :)
> 
> Some of these ideas were once again enabled by a few people. :D

Preemptive grief was a strange thing, Bennett mused as he stood outside of the door to Melanie’s room in the engine. He’d spent the rest of the day in a haze, especially after the news of the massacre of all the breachmen save one; Javi had kicked him out, told him to get some sleep. The problem was that he no longer could in his own room, and now that his hope that they’d find Melanie alive and waiting for them was slimmer, the idea of going into hers almost brought him to his knees with the pain of knowing that she could, at that very moment, be hurt or worse.

He took a deep breath, steeling himself, because he knew that the longer he spent staring at her door, the more likely Javi was to say something about it, and Bennett _really_ could not handle that right now. Not again. He couldn’t deal with hope when realistically, something had probably gone horribly wrong.

He managed to enter her room. He stood just inside, absently registering the whoosh of the door closing as he took in the familiar sight of it. It was always messy; she didn’t have the time or energy to deal with cleaning it, though he did his best to help her whenever it’d gotten particularly bad. Bennett walked slowly into the middle of it, and stopped. He didn’t know what to do with himself now, quite frankly. In the end, he sank down onto her bed and buried his face in his hands, taking a shaky breath. 

Once he felt slightly less like everything was crashing down around him, he stood up, getting ready for bed, sluggish and dazed. He crawled into Melanie’s bunk, picking up the sweatshirt he’d balled up in there on the first night without her. If he held it to his face and closed his eyes, he could swear that it still smelled faintly like her. Unbidden he remembered the way her body had fit against his curve for curve that last night; the way the steady rise and fall of her chest brought her back against him with each breath. She’d surprisingly fallen asleep first; he’d spent a long time memorizing the scent of her shampoo and the way it felt to hold her. There was not a single part of her that he didn’t love— that he felt no need to remember. 

Melanie had laughed at him a little before that, when he’d touched every single inch of her skin that he could reach, mapping out every curve and sharp edge of her body with his fingertips. He could not reconcile in his head that the woman who had been _so_ alive when he’d last seen her, and remained so in his memories, could be dead. They’d both known that he couldn’t have gone with her, even though they’d both wanted him to; he’d loved her enough not to make it harder on her by verbalizing the thought. Now he wished that he had; begged her even, so that if she _was_ hurt, he could be there with her. Though Bennett was fully aware that there was nothing that could’ve been done differently, he couldn’t help but feel guilt mix in with his grief. His eyes squeezed tighter shut, burying his face further into her sweatshirt and inhaling deeply in a weak attempt to ground himself. It didn’t work. 

He knew that if she were here with him, she would’ve teased him for his sentimentality— though underneath her lighthearted taunts, she would’ve found it sweet. He knew her well enough to anticipate her moods even when she showed no outward signs of them; he knew her well enough to know how she responded when she did not know how to deal with the depths of her emotions. It was why they worked so well; he’d figured her out, all the jagged wounds that hadn’t quite fully healed, and how they affected her; more than that, he knew how to respond to her— when to push, when to pull, when to retreat. 

Bennett loved her, and Melanie loved him back. They’d never said it in so many words before— they didn’t really need to. They just knew; it was such an inherent part of who they were that the words would’ve been a mere formality. Nevertheless, he’d wanted to say them. Desperately. The entirety of that night it’d been on the tip of his tongue; every innocent and not so innocent touch almost forced them out into the open, but he’d held back, afraid of spooking her or worse, overwhelming her when she was already struggling and scared. Instead, he’d promised himself that it’d be the first thing he said to her when he got her back. 

And now, he wasn’t sure she _would_ ever come back. The very thought of her, dying alone in a research station halfway across the world from him, knocked the wind out of him with just how _helpless_ he felt in that moment. The tears that had threatened to fall the entire day he’d spent on edge finally began to fall, his body shuddering as he tried to breathe through it. 

He had so many regrets; too many. But the biggest one, Bennett decided then, was not saying how he’d felt out loud to her. These thoughts coalesced until all he felt was anguish, and he cried until he felt empty. 

Exhausted by it all, he fell into a fitful sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> Bennett thinking Melanie might be dead wrecked me and so probably will next episode haha. :') But anyways, I hope you all liked it! I like writing more introspective stuff sometimes, and this seemed like a good opportunity for that.


End file.
